Greetings to everyone. Peace be with you. May you always be blessed.We often hear that the church is perfect and true but the members aren't. This is very true on a number of levels. The church actually is a reflection or a mirror of ourselves. Therefore it is a perfect reflection of where we are at in our spiritual journey. When we see Nicodemus moments in church history, doctrine, or policy we really should look at ourselves and understand that we are seeing a refection of where we are right now. When the church moves in a millennial direction, millennial Mormons rejoice everywhere and Nicodemus Mormons become bitter and angry. When the church moves in a Nicodemus direction, millennial Mormons use that as an opportunity to reflect on where they are at in their journey.
Nicodemus Mormons know not what they do.
What would the church be like in the year 3000? Let me play the role of Conan O'Brien for a moment. Let's have some fun and perhaps we can learn something about ourselves that will help us in our journey. Let's pretend that we and therefore the church were to continue down a Nicodemus path, continually partaking of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil instead of setting our sights on the tree of life. What would it be like in the year 3000 if we and therefore the church were to wander deeper and deeper into the Telestial world? Let's get uber Nicodemus shall we? Let's laugh a little. (But not too loud).
In the year 3000 temple attendance is to be observed several times a day. A new fabric has been created using Celestial Nano Technology (CNT) that is very expensive but makes white clothing shine with an amazing brilliance. Members are INVITED to purchase this new clothing or rent it for a fee. All priesthood holders can no longer wear just a white shirt in a temple session but must wear a full suit that uses CNT. Also, when you do your own names at the temple, the slips have become exceedingly large and elaborate whereas if you ask for temple file names they are on smaller and smaller slips of paper and temple workers will continually look disappointed and encourage those people with the small slips of temple file names to bring their own names to the temple so they will be blessed.
In the year 3000, the "4th block" is a meeting where a recap of the previous 3 meetings is the latest in a series of new meetings designed to increase the spirituality of the members. It lasts about an hour and starts with a hymn, prayer, spiritual thought, missionary moment, temple moment, food storage moment, modesty moment and followed by members sharing what they learned in the previous 3 meetings and how they can "apply it in their daily lives." The sick, the diabetic, the pregnant, and nursing mothers are exempt from the 4th block. The levels of sickness, diabetes, pregnancies and nursing at church continues to rise.
In the year 3000 missionary work in the United States and Canada grinds to a halt since almost every non-member has at least one tattoo and multiple piercings. In addition, it is really hard to get any investigators to stay for all 4 blocks on Sunday (Note that baptisms still occur as long as investigators attend sacrament meeting maybe once or twice in a month before baptism). As a result, the ULTRA missionary coordination meeting is developed in addition to the weekly missionary coordination meeting. The ULTRA missionary coordination meeting is a meeting held at least once a month in order to make sure the weekly missionary coordination meeting is being held.
In the year 3000, righteous priesthood holders not only continue to open doors for their wives but they also carry their wives and daughters over any water or debris on the ground no matter how small it may be. In some wards, men are to escort their wives to Relief Society, take them into the Relief Society Room, pull out their chairs for them, seat them, and kiss them goodbye on the cheek. They are also encouraged not to call their wives by their given name due to its sacredness. They should only be referred to as "my sweetheart" or "mother". In a related change of policy, any priesthood holder seen in the passenger seat of a car being driven by his wife or failing to open a car door for his wife is regarded as engaging in conduct unbecoming a member of the church and could be brought before a disciplinary council if there are witnesses to these abominable and despicable acts.
In the year 3000 a new handbook for married couples is published by the church. The list of approved and non-approved married intimate activities (MIAs) receives the most attention. According to the Church's Handbook of Instruction, (which is now 12 volumes) Bishops are to interview all married couples in the ward "at least monthly" in order to encourage them to follow the counsel in the married couple handbook.
In the year 3000 on the night before the Sabbath (Saturday is a special day), members of the church are INVITED to put on their best Sunday clothes at sundown and to sleep in them. Members then are to keep their Sunday clothes on for the entire day on Sunday until 10:00PM. 8:00PM for children, the sick, the diabetic, the pregnant or nursing mothers. The number of children, sick, diabetic, pregnant and nursing mothers continues to increase.
In the year 3000 church members are no longer allowed to have anything with caffeine and cannot receive a temple recommend if they do not comply. The issue of chocolate though is an exception, and is left up to the members to decide, similar to the fruits and grains section of the word of wisdom. Some members worry that in the year 4000 chocolate will also be banned. Section 89 of the D&C has been revised to include the "caffeine restriction" and verse 2 now reads: "To be sent by commandment, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—" (see D&C 89:2).
In the year 3000 after conclusive evidence shows that "gay genes" contribute 53% to the outcome of whether a person is gay or not, the church concedes and allows members who struggle with "same gender attraction" to kiss each other without putting their membership at risk. However, the kiss can only be as intimate as a mother towards her son.
In the year 3000 the church continues to emphasize the importance of talents. However, now that church members are entirely responsible for the upkeep and cleaning of buildings, increased inflation of number and length of meetings, expanded home teaching and visiting teaching, extended seminary and institute, more bishop's interviews, more temple attendance, 30 minute missionary moments added to family prayer and scripture study, and increased fast offering contributions, few members of the church have time or money to even think about expressing and working on talents. As a result, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are the norm. But they must be prescribed by a "competent medical professional".
In the year 3000 bishops can no longer delegate any of their duties. Bishop burnout increases. The sole role of the counselors now is to literally lift up the weary arms and hands of the bishop and give words of encouragement to him. Due to the bishops being burnt out it is thought that they just require more training and so bishop training meetings occur "at least twice a month" in addition to a monthly PPI with the Stake President.
In the year 3000 reverence in the chapel is finally conquered. Members now are silent when they enter the chapel and if they need to communicate they do so in a whisper. Babies and small children are quietly escorted out of the chapel if they fuss. Bishops are instructed that a new goal for wards is for members to apply the reverence they have for the chapel to the entire building.
In the year 3000 modesty continues to take on new meanings as women and girls are no longer allowed to show their bare arms, hands and legs in public. The piercing of ears is abolished and no earrings are allowed any longer. All of this is codified in the new For the Strength of Even Stronger Youth pamphlet. Women and girls wonder when the "Mormon burka" will be coming. It's only a matter of time. Perhaps in the year 4000.
In the year 3000 the members continue to say that it is now the most wicked time on the face of the earth and that the most recent generation of Mormon infants born is the most righteous of any previous generation. The people of the world are worse than in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah. There continue to be wars and rumors of wars and earthquakes in diverse places. Many members' hearts fail them as they await the millennium (external of course).
Finally, in the year 3000, one of these "diverse earthquakes" finally hits Utah as had been rumored and thought to be coming for centuries. The epicenter, ironically, is in the county that has the highest compliance rate with the new 40 year food storage plan. Although there are no fatalities, all the food storage on the other hand, has been completely ruined and is utterly unusable. So is the modern shelving units, thermal generators, and the precise temperature and humidity food storage rooms in members' basements. Not so ironic is that the Utah county that had the highest rate of 40 year food storage compliance is also the wealthiest county in Utah. Poorer members of the church outside this county continue to struggle with the food storage requirement and continue to be encouraged to have faith and follow the counsel.
I'm sure you can think of many more. I hope you had fun and I hope you recognized that these exaggerations teach you about where you may perhaps be in your spiritual journey. I have been heartened as I have embraced my journey away from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and towards the tree of life. I can see the church is becoming more millennial all the time.
Remember, the church is not to blame. It is a reflection of you. When the church takes a Nicodemus direction, we don't need to look any further than ourselves for the reason. Conversely, we can rejoice when it moves in a millennial direction.
If you are ready for a millennial church then work on the internal millennium within yourself first and watch how things change externally. Watch how the church continues to become more millennial and rejoice in the journey towards the tree of life.
Peace and blessing to you my friends.
